‘Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist,
 a wonderful living side by side can grow up,
if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky’.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Children are Zen masters
They have a unique ability to question what we – adults – stand for in life. They take us so seriously and give us instant feedback on what we say and what we do. They mirror our talk and our walk and give us that way a unique chance to self-reflect on our values, worldviews and actions.  They enable us to take position and expect from us that we show them the path they should walk on. To continuously develop, enhance and practice a mindful attitude to parenting, we have been inspired by Emmi Pikler and Jon Kabat-Zinn. Both of them have a medical background with traceable and acclaimed credentials for their work.

Growing with children, mindful parenting

Another source of inspiration for our parent-children relation is the work of the American doctor Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife Myla. Their book called Everyday Blessing is a unique source of reflections, examples and practical recommendations.  

Mindful parenting does not give you any recipe.
It is not a prescriptive approach but a self-reflective approach, inviting parents to be alert to the needs of their children, their partners and their own so as to adjust skillfully to the ever changing circumstances of life. Mindful parenting is a call to pay attention to what we are doing and to examine on ongoing way the impact of our choices on our children. It manifests itself by the continual state of inquiry into what we do and why we do it.

What Jon says on mindful parenting: 

‘This is clearly a life’s work, and it is for life that we undertake it. As well all know down to our very bones, there is no question about doing a perfect job, or always ‘getting it right’. It seems more a quest than a question of anything. ‘Perfect’ is simply not relevant, whatever that would mean in regard to parenting. What is important is that we be authentic and that we honor our children and ourselves as best we can, and that our intention be to, at the very least, do no harm’.  In the prologue to their book called Everyday Blessings.

In the same book, Myla explains the following as an introduction to the work of mindful parenting:

‘The fiercely protective love I feel for my children has propelled me to do the inner work we call mindful parenting. This inner work has yielded unexpected gifts and pleasures. It has helped me to see my children more clearly, as they are, without the veils of my own fears, expectations, and needs, and to see what is truly called for in each moment. Parenting mindfully helps me to see myself as well, and gives me a way to work with the difficult moments and the automatic reactions that arise so easily in me at such times, reactions that are often limiting, harsh, or destructive to my children’s well-being’.

All the perspectives they present deserve a website in themselves and we do not intend to just make a collection of quotes from it – even if it is very tempting!

One last reflection on the challenge of parenting in the form of an invitation to those who feel that reading – but much more – practicing mindful parenting could be something for them. Jon and Myla insist on the inner dimension of parenting, which differentiates their approach to the very many and valuable main trend approaches to parent education focusing on how it should look from outside to be labeled a capable parent. We understand mindful parenting to be first and before all a personal and inner experience. They write:

‘Parenting is one of the most challenging, demanding and stressful jobs on the planet. It is also one of the most important, for how it is done influences in great measure the heart and soul and consciousness of the next generation, their experience of meaning and connection, their repertoire of life skills, and their deepest feelings about themselves and their possible place in a rapidly changing world. Yet those of us who become parents do so virtually without preparation or training, with little or no guidance or support, and in a world that values producing far more than nurturing, doing far more than being’. 

Young children and their development

Our first experience with a day care center gave us the chance to get to know the approach of a Hungarian pediatrician, Emmi Pikler. The first 18 months our son attended this day-care center was a fascinating experience. It was striking to notice how quiet a 3-floor building with 6 different groups of children with about 60 kids in total could be run with such a level of quietness. We would hardly hear children or child minders speak loud. This was obvious that a particular concept was followed. We inquired with the staff if they were following a particular method. They spoke of the Emmi Pikler approach to child minding. After that initial period the center manager left and things took a more standard trend, nothing bad but the spirit had moved on and the approach was discontinued. Parent had complained a lot about that manager and the staff were also unhappy to our big regret. At home, we nevertheless continued to apply a few principles that were practiced until that moment and it is still an integral part of our approach to parenting. We have chosen to report about three remarkable characteristics of this approach.

One-to-one interactions are essential to help children develop social competencies
One of the most remarkable basic principle they were trying to follow was a few minutes with each kid individually, i.e. when changing nappies, potty training, laying the table or in the court yard. It had the effect that each child would know and have the experience that if they needed they would be heard individually and directly by an adult. This gave them so much assurance to be seen and accepted for who they were that a lot of peace was experienced when they were in a group setting, not having to inappropriately draw attention and become agitated in large groups. It allowed the child minders to propose small kids enriching activities like singing, dancing or music in large group. The adult knew they would manage to hold a space for quality activities and exchange without being constantly disrupted by children wanting individual care in the large group.

Movement is a major enabler to develop basic brain structure used to learn new skills
Another important principle was to cultivate autonomy in the children movements from early on. As a parent, it was at time challenging to witness the trust child minders had in the ability of children to master physically challenging activities, climbing here and there. Scientists who study the functioning of the brain have shown the direct importance of allowing kids to move as much as they can. It impacts directly the development of the two hemispheres of the brain and the neuronal connections. The more connections are established between the two hemispheres of the brain, the more chances that learning to speak, count, read and write will later be graceful. Movement also helps the brain to produce different hormones that are essential for the physical, mental and emotional well-being of our children.

Respect is a mutual experience; it first starts with the parents towards their kids
As adult we often believe that our agenda and timing should prevail over those of our children. Hence, we do not refrain from interrupting them in their play or interactions with other children if we consider it is time to leave, eat or move on. Emmi Pikler demonstrated that this is a lack of respect for our children and it risks preventing kids from learning to concentrate without disruption and to push through till the end an activity they have started. Asking a child if it is OK to interrupt him/her is the baseline and accepting that the answer might be NO is a sign of maturity on the child and parent side. Of course, this should not be misunderstood as not being allowed to set limits but to stimulate parents and child minders to be conscious of possible power games. Often, adults think ‘if a child does immediately execute my instruction, statement or wish, it means that my authority is poor’. But if one really ponders on the above, it becomes obvious that we regularly lack respect to our children and that in turn they will sooner or later do the same with their friends, teachers and ourselves. If respect is an important value, then one should practice it in everyday life and screen dysfunctional relationships to understand where we have fallen short of it.